Why Holidays are Important

Holidays are important to me.  Most of my friends don’t feel this way.  I understand there are many complex reasons for this.  As a society we have commercialized our way right into a distaste, if not disdain, for most holidays.  I often hear people make these types of statements:

“We don’t need a holiday to show how much we love each other.”

Or

“We don’t need a ‘season of giving’ to remind us to be generous.  We should do that all year."

In general, holidays are viewed as “just another day” by many people, with one glaring exception.  Even those who usually downplay the need for occasions to celebrate tend to respect Thanksgiving.  The obvious need for gratitude these days is seemingly too great to NOT participate.  Apart from that, though, holidays are not given much respect anymore.  So what value is there to holidays?    

In order to explain my love for holidays, I turn to William Shakespeare and one of the most famous moments in Shakespearean liturgy, the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet. We have a term in the world of English teachers called “conceit,” and it means something much different in literature than it does in life.  A conceit is an extended metaphor, which is a comparison between two seemingly dissimilar things.  Metaphors are usually found in passing, as a fleeting moment in literature.  A conceit, in contrast, often extends through several lines of a poem or, in this case, a play.  When Romeo is standing beneath Juliet’s balcony he spends a great deal of time (an entire sonnet’s worth) comparing her to celestial bodies, like the moon and stars.  What we have, then, is his focused, detailed, intentional attempt to express his love to her in poetic form, and in my mind, that’s what holidays are for.

I can tell those I love how much they mean to me every day.  I can make it my practice to celebrate my love for my country and feeling of patriotism 12 months out of the year.  I can be generous, thankful, and inspirational in March, as well as December, but the truth is there is something different about having a 24 hour period that is purposefully focused on one person, one thought, one expression. 

Romeo expresses his love for Juliet throughout the entire play, not just in this one act.  What makes these lines so important, then, so different?  This moment in time stands out because of its singular designation.  This is not Romeo telling Juliet he loves her while they are in the midst of an argument, a dance, a discussion, a feast, or a task.  This is Romeo taking a few moments to lose himself in his expression of love.  For that amount of time, nothing else exists but his need to pour out his feelings and not care about how they sound, or what will happen tomorrow. 

Truth be told, we aren’t usually that focused, even if we are intentionally celebrating a holiday.  The world tends to creep in, even when we are having a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner, birthday party, or Christmas Eve candle lighting ceremony.  But in spite of all of the distractions that are likely to interfere, my heart loves trying.  I love being intentional about focusing a chunk of time on one person, one thought, one value, or one blessing for which I’m extremely grateful.   It’s sometimes a battle for time, energy, and cooperation, but if we quit trying, we we’ll never succeed.  And we need to succeed.  When we celebrate holidays, we nurture tradition, and that creates an important shift in mental focus.  When we celebrate the value of one day, we tend to find ourselves appreciating other days more.  When we are finished enjoying a Fourth of July cookout with friends, we frequently say, “We should cookout more often!”  I believe taking the time to celebrate leads to a healthier perspective and a happier more selfless life.

So, this takes us back to the beginning of this post and the idea that we may not need a holiday because we should be showing love or gratitude or patriotism every day.  Taking the time to actually appreciate designated moments in time doesn’t mean we get a pass to forget these things the rest of the year.  The opposite actually happens.  Placing value on holidays makes us more grateful, more aware, more intentional about placing value on every day.  Suddenly a holiday is no longer “just another day,” but every day becomes a holiday.  That doesn't happen if we don't celebrate, but when we do, its magical, and it makes all the difference in the world.  That’s why holidays are important to me.

Dealing with Disappointment

I’ve been dealing with disappointment this week, so I’ve been thinking a lot about how to handle it gracefully.  Most of us experience disappointment at some point in all areas of our lives, and it probably bothers some of us more than others.  Many thoughts I've read about disappointment seem to imply its due to a shortcoming or emotional weakness on our part.  I'd like to propose an alternative perspective.

Living in the truth of our emotions is the first step to understanding them and minimizing them in the future. In light of this, sometimes we need to own our disappointment.  We need to be present where we’re at and embrace our emotions, both positive and negative.  Disappointment often comes as a prelude to other emotions, such as anger and sadness, which dwarf it.  It’s important to recognize this, because a single emotion is usually much easier to manage than a jumble of them, and by owning our disappointment, we may be able to head the other emotions off at the pass.

Buddhism teaches us that a life without expectation is a life without disappointment, and I’ve had a lot of complex conversations with a good friend about whether we should ever have expectations at all.  We need to be cautious and selective about our expectations, but the reality is we cannot and should not live life without any expectations (for example, decency, kindness, fairness, equality, these are expectations we should have).  If this is true, then disappointment is going to be a part of life too, and I'm not convinced that's a bad thing.  While it might make our lives easier if we had no expectations, it would also make our lives less fulfilled, because we would be giving up the joy of realized anticipation, the feeling of finally experiencing “that moment we’ve been hoping for,” the opportunity to enjoy that moment.  And that's an important distinction to make.  Disappointment is not always a response to an expectation not realized.  Sometimes it is a response to a hope not fulfilled, and hoping is as important as breathing, in order to have a healthy, happy life.  Still, disappointment hurts, so we need to keep some sort of balance with our emotions.  Whatever its source, when it comes to dealing with disappointment, I’m well aware that gratitude is the answer, but it’s not as easy as simply speaking the word.  The truth is, gratitude and disappointment are not mutually exclusive.  They can live together.  

We cannot force ourselves to feel grateful in times of disappointment, and feeling grateful doesn’t magically change the situation of our lives.  Most of us know we have it pretty good, so we feel guilty for any disappointment we feel, but disappointment is as valid an emotion as gratitude.  Is it possible to be grateful AND disappointed.  Absolutely.  I am a person who does a pretty good job of living my life in appreciation of all I have, being careful to take nothing for granted, ever.  Still, I feel disappointed when things don't go as I'd hoped or expected.  Could I be more grateful than I am?  Definitely.  As with most things, practice does make perfect. Those who practice anything are simply admitting the fact that they want to be better. And practicing gratitude is a whole lot more realistic than expecting it.  It is a much lighter burden to bear. Growing, changing, taking positive steps, those are all encouraging.  In contrast, guilt is unhealthy and demoralizing. And while we are practicing gratitude, focusing on what we have works wonders.  

As we focus on the joy in our lives, the length of our chain of blessings grows, and this realization seems conversely to mitigate the magnitude of our disappointment to a size we can live with and manage.  We find ourselves feeling grateful for what we have received, instead of disappointed for not getting what we want. That shift from self to some beneficent force outside of our control makes all the difference.  As Tanya Cooper writes, disappointment literally means a ”missed” appointment we were looking forward to.  When disappointment hits, after truthfully honoring the sadness in our heart or pain in our gut, we often end up thanking the Universe for allowing us to miss something we thought we wanted, as we realize we found something better (sometimes that realization takes a while). In the meantime, this quote about gratitude by Melody Beattie is meaningful to me:

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.  It turns what we have into enough, and more.  It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity.  It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.”

So on this Thanksgiving weekend, while I am disappointed I'm not able to spend the holiday with everyone I love, I am so grateful for the times I have had with them in the past, and I am hopeful and expectant for more happy memories to come.

I hope your gratitude outweighs your disappointment today.

Communication: The Topic of the Year

So far, this year's theme for me has been communication. I'm not exactly sure why. We freelancers communicate all the time--it's pretty much all we do. It just seems to me that there is more to say on the topic, though, maybe even enough to last a year. Sometimes it seems that with all the talking and writing we do, we aren't really communicating much.

I'm honored to have received my first guest blogging gig over at Susan Johnston's blog, The Urban Muse. I chose to put some thoughts down about dialogue, because it's what was on my mind.

I'd love it if you'd read it and let me know what you think: "Try a Little Dialogue".

Image Credit: Marinela (http://www.sxc.hu/photo/504994/)

Good Communication

There is one thing I actually heard Pastor Morris Venden say on my wedding day, as I stood before him with my handsome groom by my side and stars in my eyes: “The key to a successful marriage is communication. I’ve found this advice to be as sound for relationships with my colleagues, friends, and children, as it has been for my relationship with my husband. And writers are all about communication. It's what we do! Here are a few keys to successful communication. See if you can figure out how they apply to writing:

Find time for personal contact. In this age of technology, we often find ourselves emailing or texting our words. For basic communication, there’s nothing wrong with a quick conversation; however, if you have something important to say, you need face to face interaction. When people meet in person, they can read facial expressions and body language, which may prevent miscommunication. There is nothing like the connection created by personal contact.

Be nice. Liz Strauss, over at Successful Blog, loves to say this, and if this sounds like something you learned in Kindergarten, that’s because it is. No matter what you’re saying, it sounds better in the context of “please” and “thank you.” If you’re discussing something that is sensitive or emotional, it is more difficult to maintain an attitude of courtesy, but courtesy shows that you respect and care – even though you may be upset.

Be consistent and clear. Again, this is more difficult to achieve when emotions are involved. It may be helpful to have a conversation with yourself first, to ensure you know what you want to say and what you don’t. Have your conversation out loud. Sometimes hearing yourself say something will clarify just how straightforward or confusing your comments are. Make sure your words are appropriate for the audience. Children sometimes require different words that adults, and spouses sometimes require different words than friends. If it’s important enough to say, make sure you say it clearly.

There are at least two sides to every story. If you can remember this going into the conversation, you’ll come out on a much better path. Conflict resolution is never about a right and a wrong side. It is always about the perception that led to the conflict and the ideas behind the action or reaction. Whether you’re talking to children, a spouse, a colleague, or a friend, find out what their perception of the situation is before explain your own. You may find some issues become invalidated once you understand each other more clearly.

Before you say a word, listen. I admitted earlier this month that listening is my goal for 2009. Good communication has always been about good listening, and it still is. No matter how you’re feeling inside, be sincerely interested in what the other person is saying. Listening validates the speech, which validates the speaker. When you listen, you’re basically saying “I respect you enough to give you my time and attention.” There will come a time when it is your turn to be heard. If you give someone your complete attention, they’ll be more likely to return the favor.

What I Learned by Getting Burned

I guess it's a sign of the economic times, but a lot of freelancers seem to be talking about getting burned by publishers. Susan Johnston at the Urban Muse posted a couple of pieces along these lines after she got burned last year. Then today I read an article by Jenny Cromie at The Golden Pencil about the same problem.

That's all fine and dandy, but I always assumed these freelancers were talking to other writers. It wasn't going to happen to me, because I'd been careful. Well, in honor of hindsight, here is my addition to the pile of lessons learned from getting burned:

1. No matter how careful you are about selecting publishers, you may find yourself without payment. This is because no matter how "great" a publisher may be, these days no one is above running into financial trouble. When it happens to them, it trickles down to you.

2. Losing a client you were really happy with can be a good thing. I've been distraught for the past month because one of my most steady publishers suddenly stopped paying me. Eventually (after great anxiety) I had to get over it and move on. When I was able to think clearly I realized this was going to be a good thing for me. This particular publisher took up a great deal of my time with enormous projects that kept me from doing some smaller jobs that were equally important to me. Now I find that I have time to do a lot of other projects that I wanted to do last year but didn't have the time for. Additionally, although the work was steady with that other publisher, the pay was really below what I can make elsewhere. Sometimes we need a shove to get us out of a comfort zone--in this case, of steady work.

3. Sometimes it takes getting burned every now and then to shift your perspective. It's a tough way to learn, but when things are always going our way, we get complacent.

What's your take on all of this?

Listening in 2009

Last night as I was driving home from work I was talking with my mother. She asked how the kids were and related to me a comment made to a friend of hers by his grandson. The little boy said, "Grandpa, I like to come to your house because you listen to me."

"I hope we listen to our kids," my mom said. "Do we listen to our kids?"

It's funny she should ask that. Last weekend my son was watching the football game with my husband in the family room (he's a Chargers fan), and I was watching TV in my bedroom. About every 15 minutes or so he'd come running in, so excited or anxious (depending upon the play) that he could barely contain himself, relating to me the play-by-play.

I couldn't care less about football--ever--but every time my son came in I'd pause the TV and just lay there in awe looking at him and watching him relate every detail of this sport that is so important to him. I honestly don't remember what he said, but I do remember what I was thinking.

I thought how awesome it was that he cared enough about me to come rushing in after each play and tell me exactly what happened, knowing how little I care about football. I thought how wonderful it was that something so ultimately simple could excite him so very much. And I wondered if the day would come when he would stop wanting to tell me about the things that are important to him, when it would no longer occur to him to share things with me. I hoped not.

I came very close to gathering him up in my arms that night, squeezing him, and whispering in his ear "Please don't ever stop telling me about football." But I knew he'd probably say "oh. . . kay" and give me the look he gives me when I act in that confusing way all moms act when they're thinking about something very far away from what's happening right now.

Here's to becoming better writers in 2009 by becoming better listeners.

I Could Have Said That

I read an article over at Freelance Parent about how freelancers have so much random information stored in their brains. This is so true. In fact I was just thinking the other day about how I know more than I ever really thought possible about some things. My list includes:

• How to start an Ebay business


• How to take care of aging relatives


• How to start a Face Painting business


• Working as a stewardess aboard a Megayacht


• Project Management

Although I love learning about new things, I do find that by the time I finish a 50 or 100 page project on one topic, I'm ready to move on to something different for awhile. What about you?

Do you think having a lot of knowledge about random things enhances your abilities as a writer? We certainly have a lot of information to draw upon.

Cutting the Clutter

I have a list of article submissions and queries I try to accomplish on a regular basis. These are jobs that get pushed to the back burner for when I have a moment of time to work on them. As a general rule of thumb, I try to work on one a week. Last week I had a submission I wanted to get in on an article I'd had sitting around for a long time; however, I'd need to cut over 200 words to get it to fit the submission requirements. I thought the topic would be a great fit for this particular publication, so I began cutting.

Every article has a little bit of cutting room, and the article is always better for it in the long run. All writers know this. In fact, Anne, over at The Golden Pencil, talks about this in her recent post "Just Eliminate Some of Your Deathless Prose." 200 words felt to me like an enormous amount of cutting, though. I wasn't sure I could actually do it and end up with anything substantial, but I wanted to try, so I began cutting. At first it was relatively painless. In fact, it felt good--in that way that getting rid of clutter always does. Then it began to hurt a little--then a lot! There were several sentences I contemplated cutting and then decided to leave for last. I had to come back to them, though, in order to make those final steps toward reaching my word-count goal.

I was certain when I did my final read-through this chopped-up article would be lacking something, wouldn't make sense, wouldn't resemble my original intent. Was it different for the cutting? Absolutely. It didn't follow the exact direction intended in the original article. I was amazed to discover, though, that what I was left with was still a good article. There are a couple of sentences I'd put back in today, if I could. I'm missing them that much. In spite of that, though, there sure was a lot of stuff in there I could do without. The problem is, we are attached to our words. They're like little pieces of us embedded into our work. We find it difficult to believe that an article can exist without them, but it really can.

Newsletters-The News in Marketing

In her article titled "Find a Job you Love, and You'll Never Work Another Day in Your Life" on the Writers in the Sky blog, Taryn Simpson writes about the growing popularity of Newsletters. I couldn't agree more. It seems everyone is into newsletters these days, including Susan Johnston over at The Urban Muse.

I'm on the Marketing Committee at my children's school with several people who happen to have areas of expertise in marketing and technology, and our efforts this new school year have been nearly entirely technology focused. We have several tech gurus on the committee who understand how to make things happen. Then there are people like me who know the value of the internet as a marketing tool for small businesses and big businesses alike. It is turning out to be an amazing combination.

Madison Campus Elementary is a small private school struggling to improve its enrollment and share with its community its standards for academic excellence. Our efforts this year are leading us places MCE has never been, such as blogging and newsletters. Once we build our subscriber base and have a database for contacting alumni and interested parties, we'll then be able to use that same core of contacts for areas like endowment. This is one committee I'm actually thrilled to be a part of!

Are you a Perfectionist or an Idealist?

I recently received an advertisement in my email inbox from a famous makeup company with a very French name. The header said:

Are you a Perfectionist or an Idealist?

This particluar company has a line of facial products that fall under each title. Now, I'm sure this was not the intent of the marketing gurus at French Cosmetic Company, but I immediately thought about how this applies to writing (that sort of thing happens to writers a lot--to the dismay of cosmetics marketing gurus).

Perfectionist

According to http://www.dictionary.com/, a perfectionist is a person who adheres to or believes in perfectionism, which is a propensity for being displeased with anything that is not perfect or does not meet extremely high standards.

That sounds good. Right? Only if its helpful. A perfectionist is someone who demands perfection, both of himself and of others. This can be one of those stumbling blocks that keeps us from actually accomplishing anything. As a teacher, I always tell my students that writing isn't finished until it's finished. It goes both ways, though. When writing is finished, it's finished. I'll chant the praises of revision as long as anyone, but at some point revision has to end, or it is simply procrastination.

Idealist

An idealist is one who cherishes or pursues high or noble principles, purposes, goals, etc.

Now that sounds really good--heroic even! Not necessarily. The other side of the idealist coin is impracticality. Being a visionary is great, especially for copywriters, and idealism deals with imagination, which can bring all types of writing to life. If we want to pay the bills, though, we have to be at least partly realistic. Being a visionary isn't always practical. Sometimes we have to save the idealism for the part of our writing that is still a hobby, or use it as a seasoning, to spice up the realism that clients actually need to sell their product.

My Top 3 Freelancing Mistakes

It's been two months since I started writing and marketing my writing in an intentional way. That may be a very short period of time; however, it has been plenty of time to make plenty of mistakes. So I decided it was time to create a Top 3 List.

1. Read Less and Write More
One of the first things I did as a new freelancer was subscribe to every blog on writing and freelancing I could find that seemed interesting and contained helpful information. Find the experts and see what they're saying. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Yes, and no.

Many other bloggers have mentioned it. There comes a time when there is simply not enough time to read every blog in your RSS inbox. More importantly, the time I spent reading what others had to say about writing was time I should really have been writing myself. When you're on a limited time budget, you have to make the best use of your time. I've learned to sort out a few really helpful blogs and let the rest go until I really have a moment of downtime.

2. Not All Work is Good Work
The second thing a budding freelancer always does is look for work. But taking every writing job that comes your way can be a trap. Not every job is worth it, as the Urban Muse has noted. Even though I've only been freelancing seriously for a few months, this was a lesson I quickly learned. Since I'm still a full-time wage slave, my time is of the essence. I already have to look into the nooks and crannies of my life to find the time to write. A job that takes two hours to research and pays the same as a job that only takes one hour may not be the best job for me.

3. Put the "B" List on the List
I love writing. Writing isn't really work to me; it's more of a passion. The problem is, there are other things I'm equally passionate about, like my family. One of my biggest frustrations in freelancing has been not having enough time to write. This is a topic I've researched extensively on all of those blogs I mentioned in number 1. Jennifer, over at Catalyst Blogger, even responded to the question personally, which I truly appreciate. There's a lot of great advice out there, but most of the bloggers I've read who made the switch from Corporate America to Freelancer weren't married or didn't have children. Like it or not, that does make a difference. On the other hand, we're all busy.

I'm a list maker and a planner. If an event or activity isn't on my calendar, it doesn't exist in my world. I have been this way for years. It's how I keep my busy life organized. I've been great at putting writing deadlines on my calendar. I realized, though, that there is a whole area of my writing that frankly tends to be overlooked. I have a "B" list of writing tasks. This includes things like updating my portfolio, putting together queries, researching articles I'd "like" to write, you know the stuff. This is the list that isn't due today. I've learned to assign it a due date and put it on my daily "to do" list. I may move its due date down because I have more pressing things due today, but at least it will get done one day soon, which is more than I can say for my "B" list.

The Project Management World

If you're interested in the project management world, you can find my new article discussing Goldratt's Theory of Constraints here.

New Publication!

My article on www.brighthub.com was published today. You can find it here:

Top 5 Questions to Ask Before you Hire a Project Manager

The "Good and Evil" Myth, and Critical Thinking

Let me preface by saying that if you don't believe in the general concept of the existence of good and evil in this world, then this post is not for you. These thoughts are based on the assumption that good and evil are a real part of our day to day life.

No matter what form of Faith they may embrace, most parents teach their children that good and evil are black and white--one existing over here, and the other existing on the other side of the spiritual fence. I believe this is a proper concept of the world for unpracticed little minds. In fact, black and white is where we all start, out of necessity. As we grow, though, what I call the "grayness of life" becomes more and more evident. This presents a situation that I see growing increasingly problematic in our current society, because for many Christians, grayness causes problems.

Grayness

The first problem is that Christians are taught from the beginning that the "rules" (the Ten Commandments) are black and white, that obedience is non-conditional and non-circumstantial. While I believe that obedience is always required, I also believe that the rules become grayer and grayer as time passes. I wouldn't have believed this to be the case 20 years ago, but as I grow older I have learned that grayness is real. This has nothing to do with God being unclear. The fact is, we live in a gray world. And this brings me to the next problem.

Where Good and Evil Live

Grayness exists because the youthful idea that "good" is here and evil is "there" is simply false. The truth is, goodness exists in a place where it is intricately surrounded by evil, many times to the point of it being nearly impossible to identify one from the other, without careful consideration. I believe this is by design. An evil wound complexly around good, like the roots of an old tree, becomes difficult to discern--and there is the added benefit of distorting the appearance of the good. Because of this, there needs to come a time in a child's life where he is taught to look at life (and by this I mean literature, art, philosophy, music, etc.), and distinguish within it elements of truth--which leads to the next problem.

Guilt by Association

Critical thinking is an area many Christian adults are uncomfortable with, whether they're parents or teachers, because it means some level of exposure to what they may believe is untruth. And with that comes a natural level of fear--mostly for the children, and even often for themselves. Adults who don't have sufficient practice with critical thinking are uncertain of what might happen if they expose themselves to something deemed by others as decidedly "non-Christian" in nature. These same adults, then, are unprepared to teach their children the skills by which they can discern good from evil or, at the very least, truth from fiction.

Authority by Association

When the apostle Paul spoke to the Greeks in Athens (Acts 17), he demonstrated a clear understanding of Greek mythology and philosophy. This foundation gave him the authority to make his own arguments about Christianity. Another less studied speaker would certainly have held less sway with the ancient council of elders at the Areopagus. Is it dangerous? Of course. Life is dangerous. But I'd certainly rather have myself and others whom I trust exposing my children to the world--when they're ready--than to leave it to them to make their own associations. Exposure is inevitable. It's simply a matter of time. The skills to make enlightened choices come only from practice--and ultimately it is our choices that define us. If we're going to make a difference in this world (which I see as life's purpose), we've got to get people to listen, whatever our message. This means we have to know what we're talking about and why we believe what we're saying. Our audience is going to always be aware of the source of our authority--are we?

Rotten by Association

I happen to be a member of my children's elementary school board. Near the end of last year, some parents wanted to make some changes to the uniform policy. So, like any good board, we asked them to form a committee and look into it. They presented their findings to the board, and (after several meetings, several emails, and much discussion) we came up with a policy we decided to vote into active status for the 2008-2009 school year. Things went downhill fast from there.

Any of you who have ever been involved in the decision to change or implement a school uniform policy know what a volatile issue it truly is. We knew this going in, and because of that we decided to simplify the process by letting the committee and board work together to make the decisions for the rest of the constituents. Our assumption was that the committee was a representative sample of the rest of the parents and would speak for them. Wrong! What we ended up with was parents who felt they hadn't been sufficiently communicated with, regarding what they saw as critical changes and hadn't had a voice in the decision-making process, a marathon town-hall meeting that ended in hurt feelings and trampled emotions, a board who felt the entire process had been little more than an enormous distraction from what we saw as more critical issues, and the same uniform policy we began with--at least for one more year.

As I contemplated the mess we were in, it became clear to me that lessons about writing live in the most unusual places. There was absolutely nothing wrong with the process by which the board developed the uniform policy. What was tainted was our method of communication with the parents. We weren't careful enough. We weren't cautious enough with people's perception--and we all know that perception is everything! So what we have is a situation where a soundly developed, fair policy became tainted by our tainted methods of expression--resulting in the whole bunch being thrown out. The policy became rotten by association.

The same lessons apply to writing, especially for white papers or persuasive pieces. Truly, the goal of all writing is persuasion, whether it is to persuade someone to buy a product, accept an idea, or make a lifestyle change. The audience's perception of who we are, our word choice, our tone, all of these are critical factors in determining whether or not we achieve our goals.

Stuff I Learned From my Kids--Entry 42

Tell people they "look pretty" more often.

My kids tell me this all the time, and it always causes me to stop and smile. It really brightens my day. I was thinking about this, and it seemed wasteful to me to see something pretty and not mention it to someone. It seems such a simple thing one can do to make an enormous difference in someone's day, so I've been trying to do this. The other day I saw a girl sitting in the hall outside of my classroom who had these great tan pumps on, so I said, "Those are beautiful shoes." Last week I passed someone on the stairs who had on this awesome fuschia sweater, so I said, "That sweater looks beautiful on you." I have a feeling people cannot hear the word "beautiful" used in reference to themselves too much. I know I can't.

Guess what? This works for writing too. There is so much writing out there that is simply not attractive. If you see pretty writing, compliment it. Take the time to leave a response when you see something noteworthy. It really takes very little of your time, but it can make a huge difference in someone's perspective for the day--yours included. Seeing the beauty in the day-to-day stuff doesn't always come easy. As with everything else, practice makes perfect here too. If you make it a point to look for beauty and respond to it, you'll have an easier time recongnizing what's beautiful (and what's not) in your own writing.

The Aesthetics of Writing

When I was in the 10th grade I took a couple of college preparatory courses to become familiar with the ways of college and earn a few credits. One of the courses I took was Interpersonal Communications, a course in which one became familiar with herself, as well as learning to verbally communicate effectively with others, which was very popular in 1979.

One night the professor had an assignment in which we were to sit and talk with another class member for 15 minutes, get to know them, and then report to the class something about who that person was. The professor paired with a student and took her turn with the rest of us in giving a report. What she said that night changed my life in a way that still affects me today.

The professor said that the student had the most beautiful handwriting she had ever seen, and from that moment there were two things that became important to me. One was somehow getting a glimpse of what the “most beautiful handwriting” looked like, and the other was to make my goal in life achieving the lofty status of having the most beautiful handwriting ever!

I would spend the next year or two consciously working on handwriting styles, altering particular letters when I saw someone else write something in a way I found attractive, and changing from curls and loops to straight lines and back again, as the emotion or style of the times might dictate. I forced myself to go back, erase and rewrite a letter if I subconsciously slipped and put a loop where I intended to make a straight line. I learned how difficult it was to learn to write all over again, even if it was just remodeling my current methods. Going back through my books and letters I can see the difference in styles as they progressed and changed. Eventually I came to find a style of writing I felt comfortable enough with to call my own (some eclectic mix of loops and lines), but I never came close to achieving the most beautiful writing ever.

In addition to being a conscientious student of writing, I am the daughter of a woman whose is noted for its complexity of style and aesthetic beauty. My mother has naturally flowing and graceful writing. I can remember helping her address Christmas cards as a child and watching in awe as she created tiny masterpieces of writing in gold and silver ink. On occasion I tried to learn her technique, but for the most part I was aware that her talents were far out of my league. Even my goal of having the most attractive handwriting in class, I realized, would never take me to her level. She was a natural. If I could just obtain a style of writing that was both legible and attractive I would be pleased, but I still harbored a secret desire to be one day recognized for my penmanship.

Although I never learned to write like my mother and never obtained the status of most beautiful calligrapher in college, I learned a valuable lesson that night in my Interpersonal Communications class. I learned that writing is an art form in appearance, as well as content, and I learned that the physical process of writing is critically important, as it gives unique meaning and heightened sense of value to the words that are written. As a writer I understand the significance of words, but somehow any piece of work seems more noteworthy when displayed through the art of beautiful penmanship. The Declaration of Independence, for example, always feels more impressive when displayed as a reprint of the original document, as opposed to a typed version in a textbook.

When I was learning to write nearly 40 years ago, there were no computers around to deny me the opportunity to develop a beautiful style of writing. Although I am the first person to defend the increased opportunity provided by modern technology, even for writers, I worry today that my children will never learn the importance of good penmanship. It was, after all, the attractiveness of their father’s writing that appealed to me when he left that "secret admirer" note on my door 18 years ago. Now that they are writing, I plan to instill in them the value of occasionally taking a break from their computer keyboard to write a letter to Grandma with a pen and paper.

The View from the Lakehouse

We just returned from three days at Pamela’s lake house in Georgia. Pamela is my husband’s cousin, fondly referred to by my children as “Aunt Pammie.” We take a trip to Aunt Pammie’s every year, so we can catch up and she can see the kids. She recently became engaged to a man who owns a house on the lake, and she still has her home nearby, so whenever we visit she gives us the run of her place. It feels very much like our own private condo.

Aunt Pammie’s house is in one of the quietest neighborhoods imaginable. You’d be hard-pressed to find more than one soul to chat with, should you feel the need. Aunt Pammie also has the finest of fine things. Years of extremely hard work have put her in a position to afford the things she desires, and it is obvious that comfort is one of them. Aunt Pammie’s sheets have a thread count higher than I can count! Even her toilet paper has a richness uncommon to the masses. So here is how a typical day at Aunt Pammie’s goes:

My husband and I drag ourselves from her triple-cushion bed only when “just a little bit longer” becomes no longer acceptable to the kids. Then we put on the thirsty, white bathrobes she hangs on the back of the bathroom door for us, pick up a cup of gourmet coffee, and head out to Pammie’s spacious, Southern front-porch. After a leisurely discussion about how quiet the neighborhood is (among other things), we slowly drag ourselves in to shower and dress for a day on the lake. Then we drive a couple of miles over to the lake house and spend the day enjoying water sports. We alternately swim, bask in the sun, read, swim, lunch, boat, swim, jet-ski, socialize, dine, and socialize until late into the evening (or the kids fall asleep—whichever comes first), at which time we make our way back to her house and fall into the triple-cushion bed with zillion-count sheets with smiles on our faces. And with little variation, this is how the entire weekend goes.

So this weekend, as I was lounging near the lake, I began thinking about what this does to the writer’s perspective. Because every time I return from Aunt Pammie’s house, I feel extremely motivated and filled with ideas. The first thing you might be thinking is the same thing I thought—that it is a simple matter of rest and relaxation: A well-rested mind has creative energy. But upon careful examination, I think it’s more a matter of distance than rest. It is a shift of perspective that comes from being geographically far from your “real world.”

Time goes at a break-neck pace in our world. And even though Pammie goes about that same speed on any given day, her world is--quite simply--not ours. When we’re there, we’re on a mental vacation. The neighborhood seems quieter, the day seems calmer, the house seems cleaner, and the laundry is out of site. So are deadlines and commitments, by the way. And that shift of perspective, even for a few days, offers us the freedom to think and create and be artistic without any glaring reason why we should. That view is so lovely and peaceful--and welcome.

You, Me, and Edwardian England

Miss Austen Regrets

I've been talking for weeks with a friend about Masterpiece's presentation of The Complete Austen, and we were talking on Monday about A Room with a View. He asked me why I liked these stories so much about free-thinking women in repressive societies and if it was a reflection on what I thought to be a repressive modern society.

I think what he was ultimately asking is if my love for these stories is any indication of my perspective on modern society. The answer is yes, but not exactly as directly and literally as I think he was thinking. The answer is yes, but in a general sense.

The thing I really like is that in these stories you have this culture of oppression/repression/suppresion, however you want to think about it. And then there is one girl who dares to speak out and be a free-thinker, and she feels alone. And she is scolded or mocked for it. Then she finds out that she is a part of a usually well-hidden, yet unquestionably admirable, lineage of women who have free thought and intelligence in common (by the way, I think those two are necessarily related). She doesn't even know these women exist until she happens to learn that someone she knows is actually a free thinker too. But that person has either had to repress the truth about herself to remain a part of polite society, or she is rich enough or old and venerable enough to not care one way or the other--in which case polite society shrugs it off as senility or fanaticism. So now she feels not quite so alone, though only barely less so. But her character and fortitude require that she be true to herself.

Then she finds one man who lives in this culture. In fact, he is successful and respected in this culture. And he actually admires her unfashionable qualities. He finds her refreshing and sometimes exciting. And he usually champions her cause--he stands up for her when she remains true to herself. And that is the 19th century version of the white knight on the horse slaying the dragons that threaten to extinguish the princess' life, only in this case it is a cultural and societal death, an intellectual death, not a literal physical death that the knight prevents.

So the romance, the beauty, the poetry of the whole idea is this: Nothing ever changes. Chivalry is chivalry always. A hero is a hero always. Art, beauty and intelligence are always, in the end, superior to whatever ugly forces threaten to squelch them. A brave, kind, free-thinking, intelligent man championing a brave, kind, free-thinking, intelligent woman is always romantic. And it is always a story worth telling, whether it is medieval, Victorian, Edwardian, or Modern. It is the story I tell to my own daughter each day, whether we're specifically talking about being a woman, or merely practicing it by the things we do, the games we play, the way we interact. Being true to yourself. Being beautiful, inside and out. Being brave. Being lovely. Falling in love. Changing someone's world. All of this is what I have always wanted to be the story of my life--and now the story of hers. And that is why I love these stories. The reason classic tales are classic is because they always work. They always speak to the "current."

So to answer the question, yes, these things are what is of utmost importance to me. Not because of change, though. In fact, because of the opposite. The really important things are the things that never change. I don't believe we're any more or less free thinkers in today's society than we were in any other time. I don't think the dragons that we face today are any more or less treacherous. They simply have different faces. In the end, the story of humans is always that, human. The details change a little here and there. But the meat of the story is always the same. If you think of time in terms of grand scales, as opposed to little bits, things never really change. The pendulum swings this way and that, but it swings around the same truths today that it always has.