Dealing with Disappointment

I’ve been dealing with disappointment this week, so I’ve been thinking a lot about how to handle it gracefully.  Most of us experience disappointment at some point in all areas of our lives, and it probably bothers some of us more than others.  Many thoughts I've read about disappointment seem to imply its due to a shortcoming or emotional weakness on our part.  I'd like to propose an alternative perspective.

Living in the truth of our emotions is the first step to understanding them and minimizing them in the future. In light of this, sometimes we need to own our disappointment.  We need to be present where we’re at and embrace our emotions, both positive and negative.  Disappointment often comes as a prelude to other emotions, such as anger and sadness, which dwarf it.  It’s important to recognize this, because a single emotion is usually much easier to manage than a jumble of them, and by owning our disappointment, we may be able to head the other emotions off at the pass.

Buddhism teaches us that a life without expectation is a life without disappointment, and I’ve had a lot of complex conversations with a good friend about whether we should ever have expectations at all.  We need to be cautious and selective about our expectations, but the reality is we cannot and should not live life without any expectations (for example, decency, kindness, fairness, equality, these are expectations we should have).  If this is true, then disappointment is going to be a part of life too, and I'm not convinced that's a bad thing.  While it might make our lives easier if we had no expectations, it would also make our lives less fulfilled, because we would be giving up the joy of realized anticipation, the feeling of finally experiencing “that moment we’ve been hoping for,” the opportunity to enjoy that moment.  And that's an important distinction to make.  Disappointment is not always a response to an expectation not realized.  Sometimes it is a response to a hope not fulfilled, and hoping is as important as breathing, in order to have a healthy, happy life.  Still, disappointment hurts, so we need to keep some sort of balance with our emotions.  Whatever its source, when it comes to dealing with disappointment, I’m well aware that gratitude is the answer, but it’s not as easy as simply speaking the word.  The truth is, gratitude and disappointment are not mutually exclusive.  They can live together.  

We cannot force ourselves to feel grateful in times of disappointment, and feeling grateful doesn’t magically change the situation of our lives.  Most of us know we have it pretty good, so we feel guilty for any disappointment we feel, but disappointment is as valid an emotion as gratitude.  Is it possible to be grateful AND disappointed.  Absolutely.  I am a person who does a pretty good job of living my life in appreciation of all I have, being careful to take nothing for granted, ever.  Still, I feel disappointed when things don't go as I'd hoped or expected.  Could I be more grateful than I am?  Definitely.  As with most things, practice does make perfect. Those who practice anything are simply admitting the fact that they want to be better. And practicing gratitude is a whole lot more realistic than expecting it.  It is a much lighter burden to bear. Growing, changing, taking positive steps, those are all encouraging.  In contrast, guilt is unhealthy and demoralizing. And while we are practicing gratitude, focusing on what we have works wonders.  

As we focus on the joy in our lives, the length of our chain of blessings grows, and this realization seems conversely to mitigate the magnitude of our disappointment to a size we can live with and manage.  We find ourselves feeling grateful for what we have received, instead of disappointed for not getting what we want. That shift from self to some beneficent force outside of our control makes all the difference.  As Tanya Cooper writes, disappointment literally means a ”missed” appointment we were looking forward to.  When disappointment hits, after truthfully honoring the sadness in our heart or pain in our gut, we often end up thanking the Universe for allowing us to miss something we thought we wanted, as we realize we found something better (sometimes that realization takes a while). In the meantime, this quote about gratitude by Melody Beattie is meaningful to me:

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.  It turns what we have into enough, and more.  It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity.  It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.”

So on this Thanksgiving weekend, while I am disappointed I'm not able to spend the holiday with everyone I love, I am so grateful for the times I have had with them in the past, and I am hopeful and expectant for more happy memories to come.

I hope your gratitude outweighs your disappointment today.